Over-indulgence has Negative Parenting Consequences.

I met a parent who had an only child who was a boy of about eight years. Her neighbours, friends and relations were always accusing her of pampering her child. One day, her child showed gross disobedience to her instructions before her visitors who all yelled at her and told her it was all her fault. Among her visitors was an elderly man who stayed behind to emphasise the fact that she needed to firmly and urgently correct the child’s wrong ways. She said that she was so embarrassed that she made up her mind to intensify her efforts at correcting her child. As at the time we met, she had already bought more canes and the battle had commenced.

She told me a story of how she arrived home one day and met a neighbour flogging her son. She said that she immediately got her own and flogged the hell out of him. At the time we met, she was very confused because her son had become withdrawn and very uncooperative.

Unfortunately, this parent had very little understanding of what was required to correct a child or achieve discipline in a child. Those who criticised her were not explicit in their diagnosis and recommendations. My discussion with her revealed that she was indeed pampering her child! Her over-indulgence with the child was such that the child had no opportunity of learning to be responsive to the needs of his parents and others around him. The boy was allowed to develop an insatiable desire for attention from his parents all the time. His parents found it difficult to refuse his requests. He was therefore not able to learn the noble principles of scarcity of resources and selfless service to humanity. He was insensitive to the reality of the negative consequences of his actions. Her relationship with her son showed major symptoms of an unhealthy parenting relationship.

It was obvious that she actually needed to reduce her caning and increase her knowledge and application of the right parenting approach. Once over-indulgence is removed and good correction skill is applied, normalcy will return. As always, she needs to be prayerfully more passionate with her parenting role by loving more, listening more and getting closer to her child to endlessly support his balanced personality development.

-Uchenna N. Nduka

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Happy Anniversary with All Passionate Parents

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The Passion in Parenting blog celebrates one year of  engaging in the divine assignment of improving parenting skills. I believe we are gradually achieving the desired improvement. I am happy about the progress we are making.

Those who can’t still do without the cane and other forms of corporal punishments should first embrace the effective parenting skills and every other thing will fall into place. The reality is that the more resourceful and skilled a parent is, the less tendency for him or her to rely on threats and punishments in the parenting process.

I am grateful to all blog followers, friends and visitors. You are all important in the vision of improving parenting skills in your respective communities, states, religious groups and countries. We will soon get to know ourselves more.

Happy Anniversary! Parenting skills are indeed improving!

  • Uchenna N. Nduka

 

Anniversary Flashback: The Journey so Far

On the 12th of November last year, the burden I have always had became so heavy that I could no longer bear it. On many occasions, I have had reasons to stop on the road to intervene where children were being brutalised at the full glare of other adults who were usually unperturbed. It was no longer enough spotting and stabilising children who almost took to the streets instead of facing their parents/guardians because money realised from the sales of the day were incomplete. Although I was encouraged by the result of the little effort made on those occasions when I reached out to families with wrong parenting practices in my neighbourhood whose stories changed from resentment and stubbornness to mutual love and obedience, I always desired to reach out to more parents. I was no longer satisfied with counselling children in school and in the church on how to cope with and live positively with domestic violence. It was obvious that I needed to do more than just cry each time the ugly stories of brutalised children were told.

At the time that this blog commenced, I only desired improvement in our parenting skills, but was not sure of what I was going to write. I chose not to rely on my experience and qualification as a registered teacher in the school or my training and experience as a children worker in the church because I have seen many people with higher educational qualifications supporting the futile aggression towards children which has only helped to produce unstable personalities. I need to clarify that the educational principles I was exposed to were sound and did not support senseless use of corporal punishment on children. I am yet to come to terms with why teachers still cling to wrong cultural practices even with their professional certificates.   I was only persuaded that God was able to clarify parenting issues. I therefore relied on the inspiration and revelation that God would provide.

Isn’t it wonderful how much our parenting skills have improved over the past one year? Now the following issues have been clarified:

  1. It is not true that children should be flogged before they learn a lesson. Without legislative prohibition, flogging children is a personal choice and not a necessity. Passionate parents who have effective parenting skills have achieved great results without flogging their children.
  2. Every great parent should always remember to get closer to the child each time any parenting challenge gets tough. Parents should give no thought to separation from the child because it will definitely make the situation worse.
  3. Parents should firmly make it clear early in parenting relationships that crying will never be allowed to stampede them into taking sub-optimal decisions and actions. It is in fact a weakness on any parent’s part to be coaxed into wrong decisions and actions just because the child will cry. Principled firmness is required to instill discipline in children. Children whose parents are quick to make compromises and yield to pressure from such crying tend to employ the strategy to bring their own childish will to bear on most issues.
  4. Is it not therefore obvious that the illusory atmosphere of discipline, achieved with the belligerent parenting approach, would likely have difficulty aligning with the child’s enduring personality traits?      Is it then not vanity for one to toil for ‘discipline’ that would vanish when the child is a few steps away? Should we not rather adopt the better approach that achieves real discipline which the child is able to apply on all issues of life at all times as he gradually matures, irrespective of whether or not the parents are present?
  5. Effective parenting is the preferred option for achieving enduring discipline in children because it focuses on properly guided and gradual cognitive development which is anchored on love, patience and good conscience. It should be learnt and adopted fully in all parenting methods and relationships.
  6. The adoption of any parenting approach is a choice. The right and effective approach works well with children of all races, tribes, religion and background. It is never too late to embrace it.
  7. In a healthy parenting relationship, the flow of communication between parents and their children is filled with love, patience, empathy and sound logic. Here, children are raised to be lovely, intelligent and conscientious.
  8. As parents, we should really be committed to protecting children from harm and danger so that they will gradually mature, but, sometimes, the imperatives of our responsibility towards them may require that we allow the rod of discipline. That is, we would stand aside to allow them the right measure of exposure to the harsh reality of their choices and actions. The biblical ‘rod of correction’ does not necessarily mean a cane or whip. An example is to ensure that they repeat the class when they fail their exams.
  9. It should be recalled that the turning point is that point in the parenting process when the parenting efforts at correcting a child become obviously ineffective and generate feelings of resentment between the child and the parent. It is called a turning point because it is a point at which the need for re-strategising becomes very obvious for the desired target of achieving discipline to be realised.
  10. Parents achieve their parenting targets when their desires are right. It is wrong for parents to desire commendation from neighbours and relations on how much efforts they make through the physical and emotional abuse of their children in the name of disciplinary measure. Ironically, such parents struggle more with indiscipline in children!
  11. This is not implying that children are angels. No, they are not. But it is a parenting blunder to call or describe children by their faults, weaknesses or past mistakes. It will yield no positive result, but would rather worsen any parenting case since children usually develop into what they are called or how they are described. For instance, a child who is always called a dunce because he failed an examination would likely not make good grades as long as he is called this name.
  12. The first thing to do at the turning point is to discontinue with the approach that has been ineffective. It should be recalled, from our recent posts, that the next will be to prayerfully get closer, listen more and talk more with the child. This closer interaction will create a cordial atmosphere that would properly position the parent to get a clearer understanding of the child’s feelings and actions so that support can be provided in the right direction.
  13. Parents should be visibly positioned in the lives of their children to censor the closeness of any one with the children, especially those who have sorts of pet names for the children such as ‘my darling’,’ my wife’ and ‘my husband’
  14. Application of good correction skills:

When a child continues to err on a particular issue, parents should first meditate deeply and consider comprehensively all factors at play in the child’s situation that could have contributed to the child’s behaviour. Parents should always remember to prayerfully get closer, talk more and listen more to the child before deciding of the best approach to correcting him or her.

In correcting children, parents should communicate love, logical reasoning, fear of God and the avoidable negative consequences of wrong actions.

It really takes the redeeming power of God to deal effectively with the depravity of man. (Romans 7:24). My personal experiences have proved the efficacy of God’s word and prayer in the correction of wrong behaviour in children.

Parents should not be too hasty in expecting result when correcting a child. A skilled parent should follow up closely on the child, rewarding every little improvement with love, hope and faith.

  1. Avoidance of pollutants to the right atmosphere of discipline:

Efforts at correcting children would not yield the desired result and would excite sibling jealousy if children who manifest wrong behaviours are condemned, hated, resented, called names, debased, compared with their siblings and told they would never get anything right. These and other wrong and ineffective approaches parents apply in correcting children were discussed in our post of 7th January, 2016 in the Reflections category titled ‘Pollutants to the Right Atmosphere of Discipline’. They should all be avoided.

  1. Prayer works!

 

I was really refreshed during my search for these principles in the blog archive. It will be nice if we all go through the archive as part of the anniversary activity.

passioninparenting@wordpress.com                                                                                                       …improving parenting skills.

 

  • Admin

 

 

 

 

The stories couldn’t just be ignored.

Hello friends, after exchanging greetings with one of the parents of the children in the children’s church, I asked about my little friend who just finished her secondary education. “She has just entered the university,” she said with a strange smile. When I asked further about her course of study and university, she said indifferently, “She could go to whatever university that was available and study whatever course she could secure. I just could not stand her unruly behavior at home anymore!” This response made me stand at the point where the conversation occurred for some minutes after she left, thinking about how this situation could be improved.

A parent recently told me how she requested that her son of 10 years be put in the school prison and he was maltreated for some days when she felt her series of flogging could not subdue him into obedience.

A story was told on a television programme about how a couple flogged a child of about 9 years old to death because she was wasting kerosene when she left the water boiling for too long. A picture of her corpse just after she was killed was shown on the television. As usual, I cried all through the night and woke up with a head ache the next morning.

The mass media is replete with such weird stories. It infects homes and schools like a virus. Some believe it is our culture to maltreat children in this way. Others believe it is biblical. I am not even sure what I can make out of all these. The only thing I am sure of is that I am deeply worried about this development. I am afraid that whatever success those who are as worried as I am may have made with legislation may still be implemented by people who have such unsupportive belief system and cultural orientation. We don’t need to be told that the street children littering the nooks and crannies of the cities in Nigeria are evidences of failed parenting efforts.

Hence the need for this blog: To enhance our parenting abilities by broadening our understanding so that parenting can be done passionately with great results.

You are all invited to be part of it. Your interaction through posts and comments will help greatly in improving on the worrisome situation. We hope to learn from each other by sharing parenting experiences from different parts of the world. Please like our Passion in Parenting Facebook page to view our posts. We really count on you to make this vision a reality.

Regards,

Uchenna N. Nduka

Admin.(passioninparenting@wordpress.com , 23rd, November, 2015)

The post above was the first on the Passion in Parenting  blog. I was so haunted by the story below which I shared on the 12th of November, 2015, with my Facebook friends that I had no peace until the 23rd of November, 2015 when this blog was launched.

Ewoo! I just heard about a “disciplinary? ” approach applied to secondary school students. They are put in the school “prison?” for days, with their legs bound in chains They sleep outside to experience the harsh weather conditions with mosquito bits and everything so that they will “change” and obey their parents. I cried and in fact had a sleepless night when I heard that sometimes “parents? ” make such requests. The harvest is indeed ripe but labourers are few. Where are the labourers who are divinely equipped to help grind this IGNORANCE to a halt. I recently handled a topic on this in a women’s conference in September this and women were crying after I explained to them the implications of such wrong treatments to children. Some mothers who were getting the wrong results gave their testimonies in TEARS. Please if you are informed help your siblings, friends, children’s school management, children Sunday school teachers, neighbours and every parent around you to have the proper understanding on how to get it right in parenting with love. Watch out. I will write more on this. Have a blessed day.

The anniversary post will continue in the coming week. Thanks to the readers of this blog. I wish you all excellent parenting results.

Effective parenting is achievable with the right skills. let’s learn it, Practice it and share it

 

My favourite passion in parenting post in the past one year.

Hurrah! The passion in parenting blog will be one year this month and we are all counting our blessings.

Yes, I got good results when they were applied. They helped me get closer to my children. No one should get me wrong. I am not saying my children are now angels. I am only saying that a disturbing situation has improved with better skills.

Oh! A particular one made me desire to have a second chance at the parenting role. I could’t help but share it with my children who are still young parents.

I even intervened when I saw a neighbour committing a parenting blunder and the principles in that post were handy.

You know what? I did a seminar in my school using that post as a guide.

 

These are some of the comments that have variously worked like magic to spur me on to continue on this journey despite all odds. I am encouraged that parenting skills are in deed improving!

Dear readers, which one out of our posts in the past one year did you find most interesting? Please let us know which one it is by filling the form below. The inclusion of the experience you had when the principles were applied would make your comments explicit.

 

 

 

Anniversary Series: Readers’ Interactive Posts in View.

Hello Passionate Parents,

I hope your Sunday is going well. Remember the blog anniversary series was started last week with a poem that was dedicated to you. This poem titled ‘My Tears Dried When I Found His Heart’ is still our focus, and is intended to serve as a platform for the readers’ interactive session.

It has been made easy this time. All you need to do is read it and  give your opinion/experiences concerning the subject of the poem. A form has been attached for this purpose. New readers/visitors  may have to go to our archives in order to tune into the passion in parenting mission.

Thanks again for being part of the mission to improve parenting skills.

A feeling too strong to be ordinary,

Just as clear as day.

Speeding hastily on the path of doom;

Was my teenager whom I nurtured to boom.

 

Though my voice was amplified,

Though the whips and threats were multiplied,

Yet further the child went on the gloomy path,

And freely my tears flowed as I stood at the turning point.

 

His distanced heart must first be found.

So my thinking cap and bent knees were all employed,

With more patience in listening and talking, love was found;

And taken to the child’s heart with lots of fun.

 

With our hearts so close, my whispers are clear;

With the child now swift to obey, the boom days are here.

I’ll keep asking for wisdom in endless flow,

For my child to have me as a firm brace of endless love.

 

-Uchenna N. Nduka

It will be very much appreciated if you fill the form below.